Frustrated February

It saddens me to look at my last post. Only a month ago I was feeling fabulous after surgery, and optimistic that I was going to continue feeling fabulous. I was excited to get back into activities that I had cut from my life due to my symptoms over the past year and a half. I even put gym clothes in my car to try to motivate me to go after work!

After my last post, I had about one more week of that top-of-the-world feeling before something came to kick me in the butt again (pun intended). Symptoms came suddenly, and then progressed, beginning with an increase in my trips to the bathroom, and the loss of "normal" stools. After two weeks of constant diarrhea five to ten times a day, I finally called me doctor as it was apparent that I didn't simply eat any bad sushi or drink some old milk. I told him about returning to the days of calling the bathroom my office, but was happy that at least I was not experiencing any extreme cramping pain such as before my surgery. He thought maybe I had c-diff, an infection common with people whom had recent bowel surgery. So I sent my stool to a lab where they tested for that and other infections. All came back negative. The next step was to schedule a flex sigmoidoscopy (similar to a colonoscopy, but they don't have the camera travel as far into your colon). I am having this procedure done tomorrow. I also finally found out just how much of my bowel they removed: 13 inches of my colon, which amounts to one third of the colon. I had been lead to believe it was a very small section of diseased colon, maybe 4 inches, so this information was definitely good for me to have!

In the meantime, I have been put back onto prednisone... a sad state as I had just finished tapering off the drug, a process which took a few months. I constantly feel as if someone took a large pile of broken glass and forced it up my rectum, whether I have recently been to the bathroom or not. Going to the bathroom often leads me to tears (which is particularly fun if I'm at work or class). Some stomach cramping has returned, but not nearly to the extent that it pained me before my surgery. Most of these symptoms have been keeping me awake at night, stumbling to the bathroom in the dark wee hours of what was once claimed for sleep.

I'm writing this post to vent to the vast space of the internet, as this recent back-step in my recovery has got me feeling extremely defeated and exhausted. I received a three week glimpse at what it felt like to feel healthy again, and it has been taken out from under me, and I can't help but feel angry. I apologize to those whom have had to interact with me on a daily basis; if I had a chip on my shoulder, this is most likely the underlying reason. At times I have broken down at home, often after a bad trip to the bathroom, as my mind wanders to what the future holds. Surgery was to provide a light in my life and now I can't help but wonder what effects this disease will have on things I want to accomplish.

At the same time, after I have given myself a dose of self-pity, and then a slap across the face for giving myself a dose of self-pity, I must stay optimistic. There could simply be an infection of the surgical site in my intestines, and not recurrent Crohn's inflammation and ulcers. We shall find out tomorrow.

To other crohnies out there: What are your tricks to staying positive?

Wishing everyone happy thoughts and happy bellies.

One Month Post-Op!

Today marks one month since my colectomy procedure, and about the second week of feeling like a "normal person". I've developed a ravenous appetite having not eaten full meals for months. I start to cook a meal, and become too impatient waiting for it to cook so I eat something else I have a craving for and then proceed to eat the dinner in addition anyway! My appetite seems to have sparked amusement in those around me. Last week my boyfriend, Devin and I went out to dinner for the first time since my procedure. I happened to glance up at one point while I was eating, a barbeque slathered rib bone hanging out of my mouth, to find him watching and giggling at me. I assumed he was laughing because I was stuffing my face with ribs (he's a vegetarian, so I can only imagine how attractive it is for him to watch his girlfriend complete the carnage that is eating a half rack of baby back ribs). Instead however, he simply said "You're eating," while continuing to laugh. "It's nice to watch you eat, you used to just have a couple of bites." This is true, which was always interesting when eating out. One time, a waitress asked me three separate times if I was sure I actually enjoyed the food as I had hardly eaten. His comment was a reminder of how instantly the surgery has allowed me to feel "well". Well enough to eat a half rack of ribs and a full plate of fries as well as drink a large mudslide and still be hungry after; I could only dream of that scenario a month ago.

As far as healing goes, it is still a process. My actions remind me of this as the days go on. I tried a full day of errands, and the lifting of groceries, and the twisting of my body getting in and out of the car many times, made me feel my stomach pulling by the end of the day. I've cheated on the "no exercise besides walking" order and gone skiing twice. For those reading this who don't know me personally, I've been skiing since I was four years old, and raced from age ten until the end of undergrad, so putting skis on my feet is like putting on a pair of sneakers and going for a run. I trust myself enough to be able to ski in a way that puts the least amount of pressure on my ab muscles (which means forcing myself to not ski well, but if that's what it takes). I also was very honest with how I was feeling, and only completed 2 or 3 runs at a time before taking a break in the lodge, and each day I went I only did about 6 runs total. So for all you nurses, doctors, moms out there, I took it very cautiously even though I am rebelling against doctor's suggestions. Ironically enough, the most pain I've felt in the surgical area is occurring today, as I'm writing this! What did I do? I played a card game... If you've played Cards Against Humanity then you know the uncontrollable laughter that ensues (especially after a couple glasses of wine). Last night I could tell that my stomach was feeling sore from the laughing, and this morning it only hurt worse! I also had a few good sneezes this morning that made me feel like I snapped something further! Luckily for me I get to see my surgeon tomorrow morning for my follow up appointment. (We'll see what he thinks about skiing!)

On a side note, I recently dug out of my jewelry box a bracelet that I had received from a friend when I graduated high school. It is the start of one of those Pandora charm bracelets, with one cute little charm on it. Since I received it, I had decided that I didn't really want to have a charm bracelet. I thought the one charm on it was simply and cute looking. But in picking it up again, I decided that after this surgery, and referring to my New Year's post, that now is a good time to start actually adding charms to it in marking accomplishments in my own life journey. So today, I went to the Pandora store and picked out a charm. They don't make charms in the form of colons (I don't understand why that wouldn't be a best seller!), so I had to come up with something a little more metaphorical. I knew I wanted something purple, which is the color of the ribbon for IBD. I also love the motto of a newer Crohn's foundation called The Crohn's Journey Foundation (http://thecrohnsjourneyfoundation.org/) "The IBD movement for compassion, health and love for your insides." The motto is represented by a picture of a heart formed by the small and large intestines, which I also enjoy. So here's my charm, with purple hearts to remind me of my procedure, where I was before, and the goals I have for myself in the future!