Ever since I was young I was not one to let the world just whiz on by. It's a busy world we live in, filled with so much to do, both fun and necessity, and I was programmed to accomplish. As soon as I was old enough to have a "schedule", it was always booked. Sports, school, countless other extra curricular activities, work, friends, family, etc. It wouldn't be until late in college that I would realize, in a way I was addicted to the stress that formulated from keeping such a jam-packed lifestyle. Since it was always the way I had done things, I grew accustomed to being very busy, and not being busy actually became anxiety provoking.
A lot of people with Crohn's Disease develop issues with anxiety and depression. There are many links between the two, from vitamin deficiencies, to drug side effects, and just the fact that Crohn's is an autoimmune disease, placing its patient's bodies on red alert constantly. But do patients develop anxiety from their condition, or is it preexisting? Reading posts from the online Crohnie sites I'm on, it seems pretty evenly split among my peers, which honestly seems about right to me. Even as someone with preexisting anxiety, it is obvious how Crohn's can easily effect ones mental stability (Have you seen the "I have Crohn's Disease and I'm always searching for the bathroom and worrying" commercials?). Turns out, those are actually true. If you're reading this, have Crohn's, and have seen those commercials, I guarantee your reaction was the same as mine the first time you saw them: "Heh, yeah I do that." The funny thing is, however, is that I'm not writing about this topic to complain about anxiety from Crohn's. In a completely opposite, perhaps shocking, direction, having Crohn's has actually helped me learn to relax.
Let me preface by saying, of course, if you're in the middle of a flare, and having constant issues with needing to run to the bathroom, yes, anxiety will run above average any time you leave the confines of your home. For example this weekend I went to a concert, and was stuck trying to exit the parking lot for OVER an hour. I kept picturing needing to run out of my car to the bathroom, fighting off drunk tailgaters and being trapped in a disgusting porta-potty. Thankfully, that didn't happen. What I want to talk about though, is daily stress - something I am too familiar with, and which a lot of the times is self inflicted. I am that girl. The spazzy, secret control freak. I don't have to control everything in my life, but I need to have the knowledge of how things are going to go. I work well with plans. I get upset when I pictured something a certain way and it doesn't happen. It has taken me a long time to be able to admit these flaws about myself, and honestly if it weren't for Crohn's I might still try to pretend I wasn't like that.
Crohn's has definitely, if anything, taught me to be comfortable with me (or at least to be better at being comfortable with me). Yes, I've always read quotes along the lines of "accept the things you cannot change" and other nonsense about not being afraid to be who you are. And I would say that I did those things out loud, while secretly not accepting, and being completely afraid to show who I am. But over the past few months, as I started to have more trouble with my Crohn's symptoms, something clicked. My self-induced stress addiction was causing me more physical pain than anything. That app I have on my phone (GI tracker) lets me log my stress levels, and there is an extreme correlation with high stress levels and higher pain levels. Of course, as they told us at the beginning of every Psychology class I took in college "Correlation does not mean causation". Even so, it still says something.
So, I have a new "let it go" mantra I'm trying out, which is actually pretty amazing. By focusing in on what causes me stress and trying to talk myself away from it, my moods have been more stable, and I simply feel... calm. Not to say I don't have my moments, because I am far from perfect, but I feel as if this is a step in the right direction (and I'm sure the people I surround myself with will greatly appreciate it).
I just find it funny sometimes what it can take to make us realize some things.
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