Let's be honest here - my entrance back into a classroom was not un-researched. I read blogs of people dealing with Crohn's in college, funny memoirs of "oops" experiences, and witty agendas geared towards breaking the ice to your professor and/or classmates. I wasn't too worried, just a three hour seminar once a week. Upon entrance to the room I sat myself on the left side (the side where the door was located), though I did not sit immediately next to the door. I took option B of moving a few rows back, just incase I was having an off day and was feeling a little theatrical with my pain and required multiple position changes. I made sure I was near an outlet, not in case my computer needed charging, but in case I was in desperate need of my best friend, the heating pad (because that would be a natural thing to whip out in the middle of a lecture). My point is, I knew what I was getting myself into, and I felt prepared.
It wasn't until this semester of classes, the fourth of being in a classroom since diagnosis, that I had a true, inescapable, painful and awkward moment. What was the situation I didn't prepare for? Forty-five minute presentations...
I just had a final for my class this semester that was a group presentation. There was six of us in the group, and though it was a combined effort, we were individually graded, and all researched our own piece. I gave my ten minute speech second, so was completed early on in the presentation. I then stepped to the side and leaned against the wall with some of my group members while every one else went through their spiels.
It's no secret that stress and anxiety can have an effect on one's body, especially I've found when dealing with Crohn's. If I've had an awfully stressful day, I can predict having a rough night with the stomach, even if I haven't eaten anything dangerous.
Public speaking scares the S!%# out of me. And let's get this straight, I'm twenty-four. It's not like I'm new to school presentations, job interviews, etc. I will say that I used to be worse; I used to panic hours leading to a presentation, and now I only get the feeling once I get talking. I just don't like all eyes on me. Long story short, my nerves were going, so naturally, my stomach followed.
I felt a little pain, but not much. Then my stomach started making awful noises. Noises that from my perspective could have competed with my group member speaking. Though by looking around the room, not many people were looking at me, so that gave me a slight sense of relief, even though as I was standing there, this was happening:
I don't think anyone in my group thought we would take so long in our presentation... they were supposed to be 25 minutes, but we were going a little overboard. As my stomach continued to gurgle and bubble, each minute turned into twenty, and I started to get a little fidgety, especially as the gurgles and bubbles turned into full on explosion of pain. I tried not to be too obvious, but staring at a nearby chair that I could not sit in due to presenting my final project made me feel so helpless! Again, though I only caught a few people glancing at me from time to time, in my mind, I looked like this:
I tried to think of any way to escape the classroom and make a run down the hall. Note: the exit was directly behind the presentation area, but I would have to cross in front of the projector in order to reach the door.
- Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Maybe... but my bag was so far away.
- Use special mind powers to move quicker than the speed of light, so no one would see me leave? I'm still working out the glitches with this one.
- Place a card board cut out version of myself in front of me and shimmy out behind it? Did not think ahead of time to utilize this plan.
- Simply ditch my presentation for the sake of Crohn's emergency? Psh. This obviously was a dumb idea.
Yes, I can see pushing through a group of people in the middle of their presentation in order to reach the door, but I just couldn't leave my own, it felt wrong.
(I'm sure if I did and I explained to my professor later, who is aware of my condition, that it would have been fine, but in the moment this did not cross my mind). So my nerves from public speaking got to my stomach, my stomach got to my nerves, and round and round we go.... Obviously I made it through the presentation (And got an 'A' I might add!). I'm sure no one really noticed anything, but it felt as if you had a serious eye twitch going while trying to have a really important, deep eye contact conversation with your boss, or someone at a funeral, or something like that.
